When my kids were young they were not “allowed” to say the word CAN’T at least not in the context of “I can’t do that”. Whenever I would hear those words come out of their mouths, my response was “I think you mean ‘I haven’t learned how to do that yet.’” Yes I know it sounds cheesy but as they got older I noticed that on their own, the language changed and instead of saying “I can’t” I would hear things like, “Let me see if I can figure this out.” Or, “there must be a way.” Etc.
I am sure there are things I did not do well with my kids. There are things I should have done differently and there are things I could have done better. But when I look at them now I see three adults who are willing to try anything, who are willing to push themselves and figure out how to do the things they haven’t yet learned. I see three adults who, in spite of a flawed mother, are good people who care about others, and who are not willing to let hardship get them down. I see three individuals who don’t fall on the excuses that start with I can’t and instead push through toward success – even if they are unable to achieve it.
Children need to know that they are capable of doing the tough stuff. They need to be given the tools and encouragement to try things outside their comfort zone and most importantly, they need the opportunity to fail and pick themselves back up so they can learn from that failure.
Giving children confidence to try is not about empty compliments. Children need to hear true praise, words that affirm their hard work not just the outcome. As parents we need to look at the process of success and acknowledge that with each step toward adulthood our children are learning how they will act, react, function, and succeed or fail as adults.
Success looks different for everyone and learning the critical skills needed to push through challenges and experience growth is important. Learning to look at struggle and failure as a stepping stone instead of a reason for discouragement is key to a child’s future.
When you praise a child’s work or success, praise the specifics that can be observed. For example “look at how carefully you painted that line. It is as straight as an arrow!” Or if they have failed a test, acknowledge the work that they put into studying and then ask your child what can be done differently in the future. Give your child time and opportunity to consider what did and did not work well and come up with other options.
Most importantly, as parents we must show our children that failure is not a reason to quit and that no matter the struggle they can come to us for help and encouragement without fear of criticism.
Amy is a Christian mother of three amazing adults, a small business owner, and the director of student services for Essential Learning Institute. Her passion is helping children who are struggling to learn, find and reach their potential. Her daily motto is, “Find the joy in your moments”
